"If I could have a lifetime wish,
A dream that would come true,
I'd pray to God with all my heart
for yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back;
I know because I've tried.
And neither will a million tears,
I know because I've cried.
You left behind my broken heart
And happy memories too.
I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you."

We are facing our 4th Christmas without Jason.
It's been a long and painful journey.
Many days we didn't think we could make it…
but there were friends along the way to lean on.
I sit here tonight remembering the past happy Christmas'
when all was right with the world.
Those long ago memories seem very sweet this time of year…..
but for us who have loved one missing…
those memories can be bitter sweet.
I have spent a lot of time the last couple weeks
thinking about the holidays when I was a child…..
home….Mom and Dad….family…. wishing I had a magic wand
that I could wave and everyone would be here again.
Like so many families we are scattered all across this great land…
Pennsylvania, Ohio, Texas, Virginia…and we are here in Wyoming.
To far away to visit like the olden days.
To far to share the love and somehow this time of year
reaches into our hearts and brings out that love
we shared so long ago as children.
All the happy times we had…

Life has taken it toll on most of us…
we are not the people we used to be… life has worn us down
and some of us have been stomped into the ground….
But we are still survivors …. we have taken
what life has dealt us and we have survived it… There were times when we had our doubts…
that we could live to see morning… but the sun came up….
even when we didn't want it to… I know in my heart
we still have a "purpose" here….. I just wish I knew what it was….

I have dug into my files and found the sorta like poem I wrote.
Not sure if it was first or second Christmas without Jason.
I will also try to put into words my husbands "bird" story.

"A Rose for Christmas"....

Twas the day before Christmas......
And I still hadn’t found.....
My holiday coasters....
Were just not around.....

I searched high and low
But none were in sight
I wondered just how
I would find them that night.

So I asked my Angels
To bring me a sign
To let me remember
So I could just find.
Those lovely holiday coasters of mine

Next morning....I quickly went
To the place that the memory was solidly kept.
I thanked my Angels.....for surly they smiled...
My hand held the coasters that drove me half wild.

But while I was getting those lovely delights
From out of no where a rose came in sight
It dropped in the middle of tears...don’t you know
And I immediately said “Hello”

This is a true story....the rose was one of those
cloth roses that you use in crafts....
But I have no red roses here.....
so it could not have been something else that I misplaced.
And for any of the curious out there...
my holiday coasters ....are ones I made...
they are tile with fired on decals... snowmen and women.
I had put them under my scanner....between scanner and computer
so if it hadn’t been for the angels. I never would have remembered.

I believe this happened our second Christmas without Jason.
My husband was having a very hard time with the holidays approaching.
He did get out there early and put up the lights
on the house while it was still warm….
But his heart just wasn't into it….
After Thanksgiving we light the lights…
And he started noticing a little tiny bird huddled up on the
Christmas lights at the top of the garage.
We were using those little lights so there could not
have been any real heat from this light.
This tiny little bird was only there when he was home….
it was not there in the day time…it was not there when I got home from work…
but half hour later when my husband got here….
There he was sitting right there in the very same spot…
He would sit there even when my husband started talking to him…he never budged.
All night long he would be there….
Still there in the morning when my husband left for work….
But gone 10 minutes later when I left for work.
I did get to see him… he was there when
I would go out to feed my horses….
I knew he wasn't there for me…. he was a sign for my husband….
He was sent to help my husband get through the season….
We were blessed for over a month…..
This tiny little bird sat there night after night shivering
in the cold dark night until after Christmas….
Then he just went away.

I was going to start with the Christmas Card that was sent by accident…
But think I will end with it instead….

Each year I order my Christmas cards…. I pick each one
either for the verse but mostly for the picture.
Last Christmas I carefully picked my cards…..but somehow in the list
I or they must have sent one that I didn't think was ordered.
It was the picture of the little angel holding the dove.
I now use it for one of my awards.
That angel could have been the little girl
I played with so very long ago.
That beautiful face could have been her
When I was very little….I used to play with a little girl in my back yard….
It was always by the tombstone that was there….
I knew that this tombstone was for my sister that had died 10 years before I was born….
But raising 5 kids my parents couldn't afford to have it set…
My Dad had to do the work…and I'm not sure if it was really money…
or emotions that kept him from putting it at the cemetery….
She was their first born Alice Rose
Named after my Mother (Alice) and my Dad's sister (Rose) that died..
Anyway…I would crawl on it and play
It had this beautiful little lamb on it….
And this little girl was there…
I never put it together until many years later
"Who" that girl had to be. We lived out in the country….
So I didn't have any close "girl" neighbors….
Besides I was to little to go off and play
Then one day the stone was gone…and so was she…….
She never came back after the stone was placed…
I knew who she had to be.
So you can imagine my surprise when that card just arrived.
Funny when your a kid...things like this
never seem to be odd as they happen.
It comforts me to know that they are all in Heaven together
Mom, Dad, Alice Rose and Jason.
The verse inside simply says it all..it reached across the years.

"On Earth and Above….Christmas Is Love"


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